Sarah attempts to sit back and relax as fear mercilessly devours her entrails

This is a Big. Fucking. Week. I could not be any more afraid. Why?

1. I'm supposed to find out whether or not I get into my top college tomorrow. Through a letter. To say I'm on edge would be an understatement.
2. This is the last week of my semester and I'm scared shitless of my status in Calculus and, um, ART. Yes, you read correctly-- art, the class everyone is supposed to get an A in, regardless of perceived skill level. Shit, nobody has an A in that class.
3. FINALS. In the words of Rachel Zoe, I die. But not in a good way.

I know I'm supposed to be *so* fortunate to go to a Top 100 high school (which I am, don't get me wrong)-- it's just that it's kind of killing me. My friend's brother went to MIT and he said his freshman year there was easier than his senior year at MY school; how on earth so many people in my school manage to churn out 4.0's year after year beats me.
Also, I've told way too many people where I'm applying, because what else can I say? "I'm superstitious, so I'm not telling you"? I swear, if I have to tell one more person I barely know where I've applied or want to go, I will scream. (In private. Because I'm a lady.) Not only do I feel like I'm disclosing seriously intimate details to strangers-- it also makes me feel like if I don't get in, everyone will know. EVERYONE, which is a big deal, considering I've already had to deal with "so and so got into Cornell" and "so and so got into Georgetown" for a whole week as my aching brain loops "Shutupshutupshutupshutup" like a broken record.

I can't stand those judging eyes. They burn.

For the past few days, I decided that a superpower I might want is to be able to turn into a bouncy ball every time I go into fetal position. Balls don't have to eat, sleep, breathe, work for a living... they're just bounced daily by adorable children. That's a fun existence in my book.

It's my birthday!!

Well, okay-- it was yesterday. But still! I'm 18 now!

It was a little hard to feel good about it. 18 feels huge, not only because I registered to vote on Friday (and accidentally stole an Obama sticker I was told to keep), but because of all the shit I've got coming up. But yeah, I would have it regardless of whether or not I was turning 18.

Anyway, I ended up getting kind of upset yesterday, which I feel bad about, but I couldn't help it. I'm going to New York with my dad soon-- but basically for my college interview. It stressed me out; it didn't feel fair for some reason. It also felt a little too symbolic for my tastes-- now that I'm 18, I'm not a minor anymore and will have to deal with the fact that even special occasions may not feel catch-free 100% of the time. I went to bed early last night.

I'd still been feeling a little under the weather when a Jezebel post by one Tracie Egan turned my frown upside-down...

Aww, thanks, Ting Tings! I'm honored.

And you know what? I'm feeling fantastic now :-)

I can't do it with high school anymore.

Le sigh. While the majority of you kids await the return (or first year) of college, I had to go back to school today. I've promised myself I'm really going to kick ass this year, and go out with a bang. But it doesn't feel that way at all.I'm a senior now. Woo? It's surprising, but I couldn't really give a rat's ass anymore, I'll be honest. Now that all the fun kids have left, school is bland and I don't feel like I have very many friends there.

At first I was worried about the classes, but now I'm not so much that anymore (except for Physics, which I'm trying really hard to get out of while I can) that's occupying my time. It's very lonely. For once, I feel so alone that it's not going to be a problem focusing on school. I hung out with older kids all the time, and now they're all gone. I can count the people who will still be here that I think I have a close mutual friendship with on two hands.

I just want to get out of here, really. I'm ready to move on, away from people I've spent four years feeling alienated from.

Let's get this year over with, shall we? *Sigh*.

"Becoming a vegetable was out of the question."

(Title taken from Persepolis, which is amazing and everyone should read, oh please!)
I know I usually write about entertainment and culture-related steez in this thing, but something's bugging me and I figure, hey, why not pull a Sarah Morrison?

Look, don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with drugs. I'm all for legalization and freedom of consciousness, and substance use can really help certain people and create good things and whatnot.
I just get really pissed at off at the pretension their existence gives people. For example, there's this guy that I'd liked since spring. He always seemed so smart, confident, so sure of who he was. He and I have gotten pretty close over the past few months and I've been spending a lot, a lot of time with him.

So then I leave for Japan. I'm gone for 12 days, and come back and he looks different and seems different. He comes to my house and we make food and listen to Pink Floyd and he tells me how good it sounds when you're high. He's always been a pretty damn clean kid and I was a little weirded-out. I was all, "Um, how do you know?"

"Because I was listening to it while I was high."

I didn't want to say anything else because I guess I didn't want to let him know how disappointed I was in him. I have plenty of friends who do drugs and I'm A-okay with it, but it seemed so much like it was brought up for show and I was disgusted by this. And it was so cliche-- I'm going to get high and listen to Pink Floyd? I was totally disillusioned. But that night, he came over and we sat on the couch and talked about everything. I felt like he wasn't such a douchebag after all.

But tonight I was chillin' over coffee with a bunch of people, and he shows up with this entirely different persona. He was acting like a pretentious asshole, and of course he started talking about drugs again.

I was like, okay, what the hell? I've seen so many people talk about drugs like it makes them so special. People wear it on their sleeves and talk about it. I'd prefer that all be a private affair-- kind of like, say, going to the bathroom. You do it in private, but you don't really talk about it, and of course, you don't let it change you.

I'm just sick of people smoking and toking for show. If your heart's in something, go on ahead (unless you're Amy Winehouse), but if it's just to feel special, I don't get it.

God, I hate high school. I'm sick of being surrounded by teenage identity crises and people contradicting themselves because they're insecure. I'm ready to meet people who know who they are and like a guy who I don't feel is full of shit and lacking integrity.
Well, one more year. Sigh.

Us ladies need to get personal too.