Humbert Hazed: Nick Cave

New column, I decided! I think it'll be sort of in the vein of Mary H.K. Choi's "DILF Hunter" column, but, you know, with the ones she will probably never write about. I may be too old to be a nymphet by Nabokov's strict defintion, but hey, there are plenty of men who are unfortunately married with children that I pine for. So, starting it off...

I think Nick Cave could really do anything and I'd still be, in the words of Jonah Hill's immortal Superbad persona, DTF. Really, fuck what he says in "No Pussy Blues". It's not just that the man is a modern-day poet, one of the most creative men in entertainment today, and that he's totally still foxy at 50-- I have never seen anyone brood like him. Ever.

If I were Nick's Lolita, I can't even think of what would result from it. Remember the late '90s couple that was Nick and my idol PJ Harvey? After they broke up, he pretty much wrote a whole freaking album about her (and heroin), and a lot of people believe it (The Boatman's Call) is his masterpiece.
The man's happily married and has twins who will grow up and be pretty foxy but probably won't compare. If I ever grew up to snag either one of them, I'd probably be thinking of their father the whole time, which is creepy, and they'd probably file restraining orders or something, and I'd never get to see my dear Humbert again. So it'd be best for me to stay away.

But still, Nick, all things considered, think about it. And you don't have to read me Eliot or Yeats, try your best to stay up late, or fix the hinges on my gate-- I'll still want to.

...if you get rid of that moustache. Please?